Thirty-nine percent of the couples who come into my office for the first time admit to discussing their finances “rarely or only when necessary.” These aren’t newlyweds; these couples have been together for decades!
There are two possible reasons for this: 1) talking about money is uncomfortable, or 2) they assume they both want the same thing financially and there’s no need to discuss it.
To have adult discussions about money and reach reasonable compromises, you must remove the shame, blame, and guilt that often surround money. You must identify your financial personality, Money Why, and your partner’s. Not doing so is a recipe for disaster. Money disagreements are the second-biggest reason for divorce (infidelity is first), and I’m guessing it’s probably the source of most arguments – right up there with how to load the dishwasher.
Consumer financial services company Bankrate surveyed 2,233 Americans aged 18 and older and uncovered this about their financial relationships:
- 42% of US adults who are married or living with a partner say they’ve kept a financial secret from their lover.
- 28% of these adults say that keeping financial secrets is as bad as physical cheating.
- 7% say it’s worse than a physical affair.
- 19% report having a secret savings account.
- 18% have a hidden credit card.
- 17% have an undisclosed checking account.
- 37% say their financial secrets are driven by desires for privacy or to control their own finances.
- 33% say they never felt the need to share or that the topic never came up.
- 28% say they were embarrassed by their actions, so they kept quiet.
- 17% say they were worried the relationship might end poorly if they confessed.
- 14% say they don’t trust their partner with money.
- 11% say they don’t want to divulge a drinking, drug, or gambling addiction.
Believe me, financial infidelity is not something to tolerate or dismiss. The mistrust it breeds becomes corrosive and, over time, destroys relationships. I see it all the time in my practice, and it’s especially tricky (and heartbreaking) when it happens around retirement (so-called “gray divorce”).
If financial infidelity is (or could be) part of your relationship, it’s time for frank conversation and honesty. First, use this quiz to determine each of your financial personalities. Then, once you know what’s driving each of you emotionally, consider this plan:
- Schedule a monthly “money date night.”
- Start with a low-stakes discussion, such as your next vacation (rather than when or where you’d like to retire).
- Dig a little deeper by comparing your top three financial goals and sharing your most painful and joyous money memories.
- Imagine you’re a team. (Joint accounts promote teamwork and force conversations about money.)
- Think of financial conflict as solvable rather than perpetual.
Having regular conversations like these will make Financial Happiness more attainable and (bonus!) improve your day-to-day relationship. Try it!