I counsel lots of couples, and while I’ve never had to step in and break up a fight, I am continually shocked by how infrequently people who have been married even for decades talk about money. Sure, they trade complaints about the electric bill and grocery prices, but when it comes to their financial futures, they are strangers.
That’s because money is right up there with sex and politics as the most difficult and emotionally charged subjects to talk about. Indeed, financial problems are the second-leading cause of divorce (infidelity is first), and I’m sure yelling plays a huge role in that.
No matter how uncomfortable it may be to discuss money with your partner, it’s essential for your financial health and overall well-being. Money is the single biggest tool for everything you want in life. You have to talk about it.
So, how do you have a sane conversation about such a volatile subject? Take this four-step approach:
#1 Ignore What You See on TV
Whether it’s Jim Cramer behind the business desk, the cast of The Bear in the kitchen (with knives!), or any episode of Real Housewives, don’t model that type of behavior. Researcher Brene Brown, PhD, found that yelling and shaming are not effective motivators for lasting change. Instead of fostering growth, they make us shut down. When you yell at someone, you’re essentially trying to intimidate and control them. And when it comes to money, that’s rarely productive.
#2 Plan a Financial Date Night
Instead of sitting across the kitchen table with a pile of bills (like your parents may have done), go to a restaurant where you’ll be less likely to get into a heated argument. Set an agenda beforehand so no one gets ambushed. Wine or cocktails help.
#3 Be Empathic
Let’s say your partner has a spending problem, and you’re worried it’s compromising your savings. Instead of accusing him or her of jeopardizing your retirement, be curious. Why do you like ordering things from Amazon? How do you feel when the package arrives? Is there a time when you like to shop the most? Listen. Don’t judge.
I had a woman client, a high-school teacher, with a spending problem that was jeopardizing her relationship. It turns out, hopping on the internet or heading to Target after the bell rang was her way of escaping the day’s stress. Once her husband realized this, he became more understanding. Instead of yelling at her to stop spending, he started helping her find other ways to relax.
Having reasonable conversations about money issues, once you break through the initial emotional barriers, can strengthen and deepen a relationship by transforming individuals into a team.
#4 Get Help If You Need It
I am an accredited behavioral finance professional. That’s the ABFP after my name. This is the fastest-growing focus area for financial planners. So, if despite your best efforts, you and your partner are still struggling to talk about money, make an appointment with a certified financial planner (CFP), ideally one with an ABFP designation. (Visit the CFP’s website for a searchable directory.) All new CFPs are trained in behavioral finance and can help you navigate complex emotions around money and put you on the path to financial happiness.
Or pick up a copy of Emotionally Invested, which will help you do the same.